Book the Twelth: A Comedy
by Laura V. Bleediotie
Summary: My first attempt at a humor fic. This is my version of Book 12, in a way you probably haven't seen before...
1. Default Chapter

**Hey! I was bored, so I decided to take a stab at a humor fic –Stab!- Hey, this is fun! Anyway, I'm not sure how often I'll be updating, I'll be concentrating on "The Second Story" more, but I just wanted to write this to take a break from my more depressing work. –Sigh- It can be very dismal at times. I'll write more if you really want me to though. This is a really different from what I normally do, and it turned out a little nuttier than I had intended, so brace yourself! Sorry if it's kinda dumb…**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

Book the 12th: A Comedy.

Act I, Scene I: Ice cream!

If you were looking for a pleasant, enjoyable story where three young siblings have a fun time on a road trip, than I'm sorry to say you would be desperately wrong. For in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, there is nothing but misery and woe, and blah blah blah…You know the drill.

Now let's get to the story.

Klaus: "Excuse me, Kit, but where exactly are we going?"

Violet: "Yeah, spill lady!"

-Klaus and Sunny turn and stare at Violet-

Violet: "Um, I mean…Yeah, what Klaus said."

Kit: "Well, we are going to a place I hope still exists. It has been a long time since I last saw it, and I wouldn't be surprised if Olaf and his troupe haven't burned it down. It used to be a place of peace and security, of danger and suspicion. I spent some time there with my brothers when we were younger, and I can only dream that it is still the place it once was."

Klaus, Violet and Sunny: -Blank stares-

Violet: "Uh, we asked where we were going…?"

Kit: "Take a guess!"

-The siblings think for a moment-

Sunny: "Hotel?" ("Hotel Denouement?")

Klaus: "Lousy Lane and the V.F.D. Horseradish factory?"

Violet: "Valorous Farms Dairy?"

Kit: -Grins- "Nope…"

Violet: "Than where are we going?"

-Five minutes later at the ice cream parlor-

Kit: "It still stands!"

Klaus: "An ice cream parlor…?"

Violet: "Ice cream!"

Sunny: "Oivaye…" ("You've got to be kidding me…")

Violet: "Ice cream!"

Kit: -Gasps and drops to the floor- "Get down!"

-The Baudelaires follow suit and get down-

Klaus: -Whispering- "What is it?"

Kit: "Shh…"

-Someone walks by, apparently not noticing the four people lying on the ground with their heads ducked-

Klaus: "What?!"

Sunny: "Ispy?" ("Was it an enemy?")

Violet: "Did he steal the ice cream?"

Kit: -Standing up- "Huh? Oh no, that was just one of the waiters."

Klaus: -Also standing- "What, pray tell, is wrong with the waiters?"

Kit: -Eyes grow wide- -Whispers- "They scare me."

Violet: "Why?"

Klaus: "Okay, this is getting weird. Let's just go find a table and order some ice cream while we're here."

-All three sit down at a table. Kit is very tense and fidgety, glaring at anyone who looks their way-

-Teenage waiter-guy comes to take their order-

Waiter: -Twitch- "Have you been here before? I've never seen you here before. –Twitch- Why are you here now? You're following me aren't you? –Twitch- Why are you following me?!"

Klaus: "Whoa."

Sunny: "Ditto." ("_Someone's_ psychoneurotically disturbed.")

Kit: -Stands up and stares him in the eye, scowling menacingly- "What do you want with me?"

Waiter: "I've come to take your order!"

Kit: "Never!" –Throws a spoon at him- "Run children!"

Violet: "But we didn't get any ice cream!"

Kit: "Sometimes we must make sacrifices, Violet! Follow me!"

-Kit takes off with the Baudelaires close behind her. Teenage waiter-guy screams and stomps on the spoon-

-Outside-

Violet: "Poor spoon, never stood a chance…"

Klaus: "Okay, that was strange."

Sunny: "Odeer…" ("Uh, can we just leave now?")

Violet: "Why? Why is it always the good, shiny spoons?!"

Kit: "We must go; he'll be coming soon."

Klaus: "What does he want with us?"

Kit: "He doesn't like me much."

Klaus: "And why, exactly?"

Kit: "He gave me 13 bits of peanuts on my ice cream sundae once."

Klaus: "So?"

Kit: "I don't like that number."

Klaus: "So?"

Kit: -Eyes dart around suspiciously- "…So I threw him out the window."

Violet: "So?

Kit: "Stop saying that word!"

Violet: "This is the first time I've said it!"

Kit: "Well, then who said it before?"

Klaus: "I did."

Kit: "Stop saying that word!"

Klaus: -Sighs- "Can we just leave?"

Kit: "Fine. Let's get in the car."

Sunny: "Umm…" ("Umm…")

Violet: "Doesn't there have to be a car to get in it?"

Kit: -Puts her hands on her head- "Gah! My car! It's gone!"

Klaus: "Oh great…"

Violet: -Grinning- "Does this mean there's more time for ice cream?"

Kit: "Where could it be?!"

Sunny: "Freakgotit?" ("Maybe that guy you threw out the window stole it for revenge.")

Kit: -Running around in circles- "My car! My car! Where is my car?!"

Klaus: "I read about something like this once…"

Kit: "Really? What happened?"

Klaus: "Well, without any form of transportation, the victims became stranded out in the middle of nowhere for the rest of their lives."

Kit: "How long was the rest of their lives?"

Klaus: "Not very long, since they didn't have any food with them either."

Kit: -Blinks stupidly-

Klaus: "They all died."

Kit: "AAAAAHH! Where's my car?! Where's my car?!"

Violet: "Well, at least we know we won't, because we've got plenty of ice cream to last us the rest of our lives!"

-They all turn and look and the parlor. The sign changes to "CLOSED"-

Violet: "AAAAAHH! Where's your car?! Where's your car?!"

Sunny: "Hey, look!" ("Would everybody just look at where I'm pointing?")

-They look at where Sunny's pointing-

Violet: "Hey, Kit, that car looks exactly like yours!"

Kit: "My car!"

Klaus: -Puts hand on his face- "Oh my gosh…"

Violet: "Can we PLEASE get some ice cream to go?"

Klaus: "NO. Get in!"

-They get in and drive off-

Sunny: "Spoondude…" ("I wonder what ever happened to that waiter…")

Kit: "Phew. See how you can solve any problem if you just stay calm and use your head?"

Klaus: "Sure, and how exactly did you use yours?"

Violet: "Be nice, Klaus. After all, she _did_ save us from that evil waiter."

Sunny: "Nextstop?" ("Where are we going now?")

Klaus: "Let me guess. McDonald's."

Kit: "No, silly, Burger King!"

Violet: "Yay! They sell milkshakes there! And that's like ice cream that's had milk added to it! And has been shaked up!"

-Aunt Josephine appears out of nowhere-

Aunt Josephine: "It's shook, not shaked."

-Vanishes into thin air-

Klaus: "Uhhh…"

Kit: "And then, after Burger King, we shall be on our way to…"

-DUN DUN DUN-

Klaus: "Uhhh…"

Violet: "What lovely music!"

Kit: "…We shall be on our way to…to…"

-DUN DUN DUN-

Kit: "On our way to…"

-DUN DUN DUN-

Kit: "Um… Oh shoot, I forget."

Klaus: -Repeatedly hits head on car window-

Kit: "Klaus, you shouldn't do that, you could hurt yourself."

Klaus: -Quickly rolls down window- "Someone help me!"

Violet: -Rolls down her window- "Someone get us some ice cream to go!"

-Waits for a reply-

Violet: -Shrugs- "Well, I just thought I'd ask."

Klaus: "I don't think anyone's just going to give ice cream to some girl with her head sticking out of a car window."

-Car pulls up next to them. Teenage waiter-guy sticks his head out the window and hands Violet an ice cream cone-

Waiter: "Here you go!"

Kit: "Fiend! Don't take it, Violet!"

Violet: -Takes it- "Too late!" –Sticks tongue out at Kit- "Thank you teenage waiter-guy!"

Waiter: "You're welcome! Sorry I didn't get you your ice cream sooner, like when the parlor was still open."

Violet: "That's okay! You know, you're not a fiend at all!"

Waiter: -Twitch- "Thanks! You're kinda pretty…"

Violet: -Blushes- "Well, for a psychoneurotic guy with a twitch, you're not that bad-looking either!"

Klaus: "Okay, that's enough!" –Turns to Kit- "FLOOR IT!"

Kit: -Floors it-

Violet: "No! Oh well. At least I still got Quigley."

Sunny: "Noloss." ("And he's almost as psychoneurotic as Waiter-Guy anyway.")

Klaus: "All of this is going to take a toll on my sanity, I can already feel it…"

Kit: "Well, now that we've lost that wacko, we can go on to Burger King!"

Violet: "That's okay, we don't need to go. I got my ice cream."

Kit: "Okay then. Well, now that we've lost that wacko, we can go on to…uh…um…"

-DUN DUN DUN-

Klaus: "GAH!"

Kit: "Uh…that one place I forget the name of!"

Klaus: -Repeatedly hits head on car window-

Sunny: "Fin." ("End of Scene I.")


	2. Scene II

**Hello all! I'm finally writing Scene 2! So, as an added treat to you, my loyal readers, I'll let Violet answer your reviews!**

**Violet: Hello! This is Violet Baudelaire, here to answer your questions!**

**Let's start with NewbiaTheElf!**

**Laura V. thanks you! She is very glad you liked Scene 1 of this oh-so-tragic story. And by the way, I told Klaus that hitting his head on the car window repeatedly wouldn't make people laugh, but did he listen? No. Of course, I guess that's the typical little brother response. Either that or hitting his head on the window has scrambled his brains and he couldn't answer…**

**To Bellatrix Lestrange9:**

**YAAAAAUGH!!!!! Not the evil waiters!!!! I'm getting Laura to update, just hold your horses!**

**For QuigleyRules: **

**Ice cream happens to be a very healthy obsession. I like your penname, by the way. OH QUIGLEY, WHY WON'T YOU WRITE BACK?!?**

**To answer MlynnBloom:**

**Laura V. thanks you too. And if you're craving ice cream, there's a lovely little ice cream parlor out in the middle of nowhere I've been to recently. It was okay. It closes early though… What do you mean you already know?!**

**Arden C. Evans: **

**I am most certainly NOT freaky! I'm just very ice cream-deprived. Kevin, Colette and Hugo are freaky, just go ahead and ask them. But not Kevin, he'll go on and on for hours.**

**To Samela: **

**Well, it turns out he didn't steal the ice cream. I guess that's good, although Klaus says it would have been nice if they could get me away from ice cream for a while. Phooey on him.**

**In reply to SaturnStorm:**

**Yes, it was a tad unusual. That Laura, she's got one twisted mind. Don't tell her I said that. And EXCUSE ME, I am not a maniac! And that desk is MINE! –Laughs maniacally- **

**So anyway, Laura's got Scene II up and ready! Here it is, and remember, I am not insane!**

Book the Twelfth: A Comedy Scene II Rock-and-Roll According to Sunny 

Kit and the Baudelaires drove on in silence for a while, each thinking their own private thoughts.

Klaus: -Thinking- _I wonder if Kit knows where she's going._

Kit: -Thinking- _Oh gosh, I have no idea where I'm going._

Violet: -Thinking- _I wonder if Quigley likes ice cream…_

Sunny: -Thinking- _Vanhalen. (I think I'll become a heavy metal rock star when I grow up.)_

Kit: -Not thinking- Holy mushrooms!

Klaus: Fiona likes mushrooms!

Kit: No, Klaus, I was just saying that to express my amazement.

Violet: About what?

Kit: I've finally remembered the name of the place I previously couldn't remember the place of!

Sunny: Cum on! (Spill it woman!)

Kit: It's-

DUN DUN DUN

Klaus: I'm not going to say anything.

Kit: -The Place With No Name!

Violet: That's a cool name. It reminds me of a song I heard…

Klaus: -Sighs- Okay, why exactly are we going there?

Kit: I'm meeting some friends, and I thought you might want to meet them.

Sunny: Quiet world? (Are they Volunteers?)

Kit: You'll see.

Sunny: Habla es Sunnispeech? (How can you understand what I'm saying?)

Kit: I don't know. Besides, we shouldn't be arriving for a while. I, um…kinda got lost. A map would be really useful right now…

Violet: Quigley makes maps! We should ask him!

Klaus: Violet, is Quigley here?

Violet: No…

Klaus: Right. Let's see if we can figure out where we are. Kit, did you see any gas stations within the last 10 minutes?

Kit: I think I did about two miles before that "Bridge Out" sign.

Klaus: -Pauses- …Bridge…out?

Kit: Yep.

Klaus: What road was that on?

Kit: This one.

Violet: I saw that sign too, but I didn't think it was important.

Klaus: Am I the only one here who is of SOUND MIND?!?

Sunny: Rehearse? (Mind if I practice for my future career in heavy metal rock-and-roll?)

Klaus: Thank you for answering my question.

Sunny: Telecaster… (First I'll need an electric guitar to smash on the stage when I'm done with my song…)

Kit: Holy mushrooms! Again!

Klaus: -Through gritted teeth- Yes…?

Kit: The road seems to disappear about 17 feet ahead!

Violet: This car doesn't fly, does it?

Kit: Nope.

Klaus: Kit, the road-

Violet: I bet I could make it fly!

Kit: Yeah right!

Klaus: -Watching how quickly the road in front of them is shrinking- Then make it fly, now!

Violet: Hey! I'm the inventor here! I can do anything!

Kit: –Slams on the brakes three inches away from the edge of the road- Prove it!

Violet: Fine!

Klaus: Someone let me out of this mad house!

Sunny: Latromiym. (I think I'll play an Evanescence song for tryouts- Wait, why did we stop?)

-Outside the car-

Violet: -From under the car- You know, this thing needs an oil change.

Kit: Just make it fly.

Violet: Alright, alright. I'll need an eggbeater.

Klaus: Umm…Why?

Violet: To make the car fly, silly!

Kit: Here you go!

Klaus: Where did you get that?

Kit: It was in my pocket.

Klaus: Of course.

Sunny: Complicated…(Maybe I'll sing an Avril Lavigne song instead…)

Violet: -Crawling out from under the car- There! All fixed up!

Klaus: You mean it can fly?

Violet: Like a penguin! –Lightly kicks the back tire-

-Car slowly slides off the edge of the cliff-

Klaus: -After hearing the car splash into the river below- Penguins don't fly, Violet.

Violet: Oh yeah? Well explain- -Thinks for a moment- Oh wait, you're right.

Sunny: Inspiring. (For some reason this situation makes me want to write a sad song…Then I think I'll organize a band and scream it at the top of my lungs.)

Kit: -Staring at the spot where the car used to sit- My car…Gone…

Violet: Well, I guess we should start walking.

Klaus: Which way do we turn when we get to the gas station again?

Sunny: Unknown… (Wherever the music takes us…)

Klaus: PLEASE stop talking about that.

Kit: Car…My car…

Violet: I think somebody needs to take her hand and pull her, because she's not moving.

Klaus: -tugging on Kit's sleeve- She's much quieter!

Violet: -Glances at Sunny- Well you better enjoy the silence while you can, because Sunny just pulled an electric guitar out of nowhere and she looks like she's going to start singing.

Klaus: Somebody save us…

Sunny: Ka-boom! (I call this one "Explosive." It involves a lot of guitar smashing and the screaming of incomprehensible words.)

Klaus: Well at least when she smashes the guitar, it will all be over.

Sunny: Infinite! (Did I mention I have an unlimited supply of guitars?)

Violet: Why would you want to smash a perfectly good guitar?

Sunny: Avril duzzit. (It is a secret punk-rocker ritual.)

Klaus: You know, I think I'd rather listen to Kit blab on about some place she can't remember the name of than be forced to endure this. I'll be about three miles ahead where Sunny's music should be out of earshot.

Sunny: -Turning up amplifier- Farther. (Might want to make that five miles.)

Klaus: Okay, thank you. –Walks ahead, dragging Kit behind him-

Violet: On to The Place with No Name!

Sunny: Findos! (End of Scene II. Now excuse me while I rock out.)


	3. Scene III

**Okay, since I took so long to update, the reviews really built up, so I don't think I'll have the time to answer all of them right now. I'll answer anyone's questions if you have any, but, sadly, I won't be able to thank everybody for reviewing, though I am very grateful to all of you. Without you guys' support I wouldn't be writing right now. Thanks ya'll:)**

**Alright, second of all, this is a _parody_, as it says in the genre, so no, it won't be exactly like the books. People will be out of character, plotlines will be different…yeah. It's all in fun! So don't worry about it…For you people who are, anyway…**

**I present to you, Act III… Enjoy.:D**

Book the Twelfth: A Comedy

Act I, Scene I- Violet Cracks

(The Baudelaires and Kit continue on their way to The Place With No Name…)

Sunny (Singing): "Skynnard…" ("Sweet home Alabama…")

Klaus: "Well, at least we don't have to listen to her break the sound barrier with her heavy metal music anymore…Country music is okay I guess."

Violet: "Although 'Twang' can be hazardous to your health." ((A/N: Hey out there, Arden:D))

Klaus: "You can say that again."

Violet: "I said, 'Although "Twang" can be-"

Klaus: "I heard you!"

Violet: "Then why did you ask me to say it again?"

Klaus: "It's an expression…You know, like, 'Flies like a penguin.'"

Kit (Who is still being dragged along by Klaus): "CAR!"

Klaus: "When do you think Kit will snap out of her current coma-like state?"

Violet: "…When we buy her a new car?"

Kit (Grinning): "That would be nice."

Violet: "Okay then. Klaus, how close do you think the next car dealer is?"

Klaus: "She doesn't need a new car!"

Kit: "Car…My car…Ohh…"

Sunny: "Twang!" ("Wait! Since when was Lynnard Skynnard country?")

Klaus: (Rolls eyes and sighs. That rhymed! Spots something in the distance.) "Hey! I do believe I've spotted something in the distance!"

Violet: "No kidding! Cool. Do you think Kit's a Ford or a Chevy kind of person?"

Kit: "(Cough)Honda(Cough)."

Sunny: "Indeed!" ("I do believe I've spotted something too!")

Violet: "It's not fair! How come I never spot anything?"

Klaus: (Points) "See?"

Violet: "I see your hand pointing at something."

Klaus: (Clenches his teeth together so he doesn't start yelling.) "I know…How about we just wait till we get there? Okay, Violet?"

Violet: "Okay…"

Klaus: (Trying to smile) "Doesn't sound like a good idea to you?"

Violet: "Yeah, I guess."

Klaus: (Thinking) _Note to self: Travel alone next time I go on a trip…_

Violet: "I heard that!"

Klaus: "No you didn't, I was thinking."

Violet: "Oh." … "Maybe I'm psychic!"

Klaus: "Maybe you're not."

Violet: "Fine. Be that way. (Meanie)."

Sunny: "Peace, man!" ("Why can't we all just get ALONG!")

Violet: (Sighs) "Sunny's right. We should stop fighting, I mean we're family, aren't we?"

Klaus: "Wow, you actually sounded kinda smart right there."

Violet: "Thank you! See, you can be nice."

Klaus: "Violet, can you say _Sarcasm_?"

Violet: "Sarcasm. So?"

Klaus: "Never mind. Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, at least you're not one of those bossy, controlling older sisters who like to terrorize her little brother for revenge."

(Violet stops walking and stares at him.)

Klaus: "Violet?"

(Violet continues to stare.)

Klaus: "I said at least you're not the kind of sister who likes to torture her little brother."

(An evil grin spreads across Violet's face.)

Klaus: "Violet, why are you looking at me like that?"

Violet (Still grinning evilly): "The kind of older sister who what?"

Klaus: "Uh oh…"

Sunny: "Runidiotrun!" ("Move it, she's lost her marbles!")

Violet: (Throws back her head and laughs maniacally. Thunder rolls and lightning flashes behind her.)

Klaus: "AAAAHH!" (Drops Kit and runs)

Kit: "Ouch! Hey! Don't you even think of escaping now, you still owe me a car!"

Violet: "GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE RODENT! MWAH-HA-HA-HA!" (Chases after Klaus who is screaming and running away.) "FEAR ME!"

(Sunny and Kit stare after them in silence for several moments.)

Sunny: "Well…" ("I hope I didn't inherit the same genes they did.")

Kit: "You know, I almost had Violet there. Just a few more minutes and she would have been writing a check for that Honda…"

Sunny: "Cannit." ("Can you stop talking about the dumb car?")

Kit: "Can you keep that boisterous guitar of yours quiet for just a few minutes?"

Sunny: "Smartaleck." ("'Boisterous'…Someone's trying to sound intelligent.")

Kit: "Yeah, I think Laura's just having fun with the thesaurus."

Laura: "Knowledge is power!"

Kit: "Of course it is, Laura. Now how about you just go back to writing the story?"

Laura: "Okay…"

Sunny: "Intelligible." ("You know Kit, I think you're the only adult who really understands me.")

Kit: "I'm flattered Sunny! I'm glad you think that."

Sunny: "Uh-uh." ("No, I mean you're the only one who knows what I'm saying.")

Kit: "Oh. Well I guess that's a good thing too, seeing how we're probably going to be traveling alone together from now on."

Sunny: "Psycho?" ("Do you think Violet could really harm, threaten, and/or inconvenience Klaus in any way?")

Kit: "Nah, she's just letting off steam, that's all. Now, if she _really_ wanted to hurt Klaus, she would have taken this here baseball bat I always keep in my suitcase." (Opens up her suitcase)

Sunny: "Plothole?" ("Since when did you have a suitcase with you?")

Kit: "Uh…"

Laura: "-She always had it with her! Um, I just never mentioned it before."

Sunny: "Okey dokey!" ("Oh, well, I guess you can't argue with that!")

Kit (Rummaging through suitcase): "See, here it is, right he…Uh oh."

Sunny: "What?" ("What?")

Kit: (Looks around quickly, whispers) "I can't find the bat!"

Sunny: (Also looks around and whispers back) "Convenient forgetting." ("Let's pretend we didn't know.")

Kit: "Sounds good to me. Now let's see…I guess we should get a move-on."

Sunny: "Righty-o." ("Suppose we should.")

Kit: "…Hey…You wouldn't happen to have a checkbook on you, would you Sunny?"

Sunny: "Yukidding?" ("No, why would I?")

Kit: "Well…Remember that thing you and Klaus spotted off in the distance earlier?"

Sunny: "Affirm." ("Yeah.")

Kit: "It's closer, you know, since we've been walking…"

Sunny: "So?" ("Does this really need a translation?")

Kit: "Well, that means I can tell what it is now…"

Sunny: "Spillit!" ("Just get to the point, woman!")

Kit: "Um…It's a Honda car dealer…"

Sunny: "Oykaloy…Fintres." ("Oh boy…I have a feeling this is going to turn into a looong argument. End of Act III. Aren't you lucky?")


End file.
